well ok
i guess this is how it really goes.
I dreamt about spain last night. I dreamt about wandering over cobblestone roads uphill, which opened up in the most random spaces to beautiful mozarabic plazas and hidden cathedrals with mosque foundations. I dreamt about whitewashed houses, and kisses on the cheek, wine at 4pm and eye contact. I dreamt about truth. And I woke up cold. I don't know how much longer these images will haunt my dreams, and no matter how hard I try, I don't know if i will ever forget them and just move on.
I miss the honesty of the people. I miss being told exactly what was going on in someone's mind. "eres guapa, besame" (youre beautiful, kiss me).
I wake up and I feel cold. The soltude of being the only girl in an all boys boarding school surrounds me again. Lost in a hundred year history swamped by cool dry fog from dawn over the river, and cold stone buildings that stare and say "prove yourself" Prove myself? I've been proving myself my entire life. I feel like I've been screaming to a wall. Why does it feel like no one ever gets it? And when I finally find someone that does, they just sell out. Maybe I should just let it happen. Fuck. Maybe I should just let it happen. Maybe I should just be that doll that everyone seems to want me to be. Maybe I should just shut my fucking mouth and throw away the key and be that doll that they want me to be. Do you even know what this feels like? Can you possibly? Do you know what it's like to have someone tell you you're intimidating because you're intelligent? Would that ever happen to a man? I don't think so. Even women turn their backs to me. Why should i even bother fighting for them, if at the first chance they get they'd just turn against me. It's always competition. Why do we fight over men who don't really want us anyway?
Why should I even bother. I don't even know.
I don't really want to go back to spain. I don't really know what I want. Maybe I just need to get off this campus. Maybe I need to start over again. Somewhere new, clean, to baptize myself in the waters of the outside world, a world beyond this ridiculous hamilton cool which is my very highschool, some place where I'm not radical or intimidating or "hiding behind the boy" or that psycho girl you kind of liked until she started to speak.
I will drown myself in my work. Emerge a shadow.
I dreamt about spain last night. I dreamt about wandering over cobblestone roads uphill, which opened up in the most random spaces to beautiful mozarabic plazas and hidden cathedrals with mosque foundations. I dreamt about whitewashed houses, and kisses on the cheek, wine at 4pm and eye contact. I dreamt about truth. And I woke up cold. I don't know how much longer these images will haunt my dreams, and no matter how hard I try, I don't know if i will ever forget them and just move on.
I miss the honesty of the people. I miss being told exactly what was going on in someone's mind. "eres guapa, besame" (youre beautiful, kiss me).
I wake up and I feel cold. The soltude of being the only girl in an all boys boarding school surrounds me again. Lost in a hundred year history swamped by cool dry fog from dawn over the river, and cold stone buildings that stare and say "prove yourself" Prove myself? I've been proving myself my entire life. I feel like I've been screaming to a wall. Why does it feel like no one ever gets it? And when I finally find someone that does, they just sell out. Maybe I should just let it happen. Fuck. Maybe I should just let it happen. Maybe I should just be that doll that everyone seems to want me to be. Maybe I should just shut my fucking mouth and throw away the key and be that doll that they want me to be. Do you even know what this feels like? Can you possibly? Do you know what it's like to have someone tell you you're intimidating because you're intelligent? Would that ever happen to a man? I don't think so. Even women turn their backs to me. Why should i even bother fighting for them, if at the first chance they get they'd just turn against me. It's always competition. Why do we fight over men who don't really want us anyway?
Why should I even bother. I don't even know.
I don't really want to go back to spain. I don't really know what I want. Maybe I just need to get off this campus. Maybe I need to start over again. Somewhere new, clean, to baptize myself in the waters of the outside world, a world beyond this ridiculous hamilton cool which is my very highschool, some place where I'm not radical or intimidating or "hiding behind the boy" or that psycho girl you kind of liked until she started to speak.
I will drown myself in my work. Emerge a shadow.
posted by Jessica @ 10:45 PM
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