To the cute guy I met at the party last saturday: on the jackass I will definitely fall in love with instead of you

I read this at Rhymelab. Yay for slam poetry.

Please please please please PLEASE!
Why don’t you just enlighten me for a moment
And let me know exactly
What the fuck you were thinking last Saturday night
When you just let me walk out the door?

I mean, I gave all the right signs
And you were giving them right back to me
We talked, we touched, you laughed I smiled
At first I thought you were a bit shy
Maybe slightly demure
I thought finally I found someone mature
But you were too nice to ask my name
For the love of god, man, you at least need a name
To facebook stalk me
To put : Jess and Nice guy are friends, they hooked up in 2006 and it was
Almost real
Almost real!
Almost
So here’s the deal
Let me tell you a little something
About the jackass I will fall madly in love with
Who is not you.

There are three types of jackasses that I have a tendency to fall in love with
The first is your run of the mill
Plain and simple,
Blue eyes and dimples
Drives an SUV,
Watches Golf on TV
Wears a pink polo shirt
Treats all women like dirt
DMB listening, lacoste wearing,
date raping, coke blowing,
jackass frat boy motherfucking asshole
Who is not you.

The second kind of jackass
that I might fall in love with
Who is not you
Is the former nice guy
Who converted into a jackass
Because that’s what he thinks women really want
He’s the guy who’ll actually flaunt
Me like I’m some kind of prize
And then when we’re alone
Won’t look me in the eyes
I’ll try to socialize
And he’ll try to dance
He’ll pretend to be interested
But I know he’s just
Trying to get into my pants
One moment he’s all hot
And then he’s all cold
And I’ll just feel like some car
That’s been bought and sold
This type of jackass is what I like to call the
Dr. jeckyll Mr. fuckface jackass
Who is not you.

The third and final type of jackass
That I probably willl fall in love with
Who is not you
Is the jackass who doesn’t even realize he’s a jackass
They’re the worst kind
Because it actually hurts to see
How really blind
He is to his assholic behavior
It’s not that he doesn’t mean what he says to you
He does
But he also means it to the twenty other girls
He says it to
And when you call him on it
Like I always do
He’ll look at me like I just killed his dog
He’s the
“Hey baby, I’m not like all those other kinds of dicks,
I play guitar to pick up chicks,
I read howl and the naked lunch
and I know all about that ken kesey bunch
You’re a little feministy but I can really dig your poetry
Could you hold a sec? I knew you wouldn’t mind
It’s just that I’ve got another girl
calling on the other line”
Jackass
Who is not you.

So because I don’t believe in predestination
I would like to exercise a bit of persuasion
In perhaps taking charge of my fate
So that I won’t have a jackass as a future mate
Because contrary to popular belief

I’d rather have a nice guy
Like you.
Than some jackass
Like that.

So please please please please PLEASE
This is your last chance.
Write this down
*986293
and for the love of god
call me.