Being afraid

Spent an hour watching the snow fall this morning. I don't know why I never watched snow fall in the past, and I'm not even sure why I think it's so profoundly stunning. It's weird how things can change so rapidly, things change and your outlook changes and the way you physically percieve the world changes. There's something incredibly beautiful about the way the snow matches the sky. I never liked winter before. But now, just zoning out and watching the snow fall, it's just the most comforting thing I can do at this point. I feel like I'm watching my life fall from the sky in clean little pieces. I wish I knew how this was going to end, or even if it will end. I might be over-reacting. I don't even know how I'm supposed to react to this. No one ever taught me how to wrap my mind around somethng this big. I've got this numbing kind of fear that follows me around- one minute i'll be fine and the next, just stunned with fear. Scared to death. How ironic. I need to be productive about this, that is the only blessing that can come of all this- i need to help stop it from hurting anyone else. It's so hard to make a connection- will they listen? probably not. But I have to try. No one should have to go through this. And so I'm just turning my life off and watching the snow as much as I can, just to have something predictable to hold on to.