And then you...
This is just the icing on a big awful cake baked in hell. Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt this way before. i mean, I'm a psychology major, I'm supposed to be able to talk myself out of this. Not this time. I feel numb. I'm not even sad, or angry, or confused. I'm literally without emotion. There's this biting feeling inside me, kind of the way you feel right before you cry, but I can't cry. In other words, I'm constantly on the brink of tears.
And the thing is, I think I can't talk myself out of it, because I didn't do it. This time, I really didn't bring it on myself. So much has happened this year, so much that NO ONE knows about, so much that I wish I could tell people, but what's the point? For pity? If they knew, they'd all just be nice to my face and then mean when I'm not around. I'd almost rather it this way. At least now I know.
And besides that one big thing, that thing that's literally been stalking me all year, catching me off guard in a moment of almost tranquility and then biting me in the ass. besides that one big thing, there's been so many little things. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I can be nice and kind, not even motivated by anything other than wanting to be nice and kind (because after all who knows better than me that life is shorter than we all want to admit?) and I still get fucked over. Every time I turn around, it's just one punch after another. It's a losing battle. Why do i even try. I wish I could fight back. I wish I could show some kind of emotion. I wish I could be honest about everything that's happened. But I can't. I don't feel anything.
Why don't I trust you? Because you're one of them. And even though as an individual you're sweet and kind, you let a group of people define who you are. I say, never let someone else define you. I say, never be fully defined. Be a work in progress, be an unfinished masterpiece. The moment you ascribe yourself to a group, is the moment I can't trust you, and you can't trust yourself. You are one of them. Whether you know it or not. And I'm just stuck here, in an icebox, eating my cake from hell. Fuck.
And the thing is, I think I can't talk myself out of it, because I didn't do it. This time, I really didn't bring it on myself. So much has happened this year, so much that NO ONE knows about, so much that I wish I could tell people, but what's the point? For pity? If they knew, they'd all just be nice to my face and then mean when I'm not around. I'd almost rather it this way. At least now I know.
And besides that one big thing, that thing that's literally been stalking me all year, catching me off guard in a moment of almost tranquility and then biting me in the ass. besides that one big thing, there's been so many little things. It's like nothing I do is good enough. I can be nice and kind, not even motivated by anything other than wanting to be nice and kind (because after all who knows better than me that life is shorter than we all want to admit?) and I still get fucked over. Every time I turn around, it's just one punch after another. It's a losing battle. Why do i even try. I wish I could fight back. I wish I could show some kind of emotion. I wish I could be honest about everything that's happened. But I can't. I don't feel anything.
Why don't I trust you? Because you're one of them. And even though as an individual you're sweet and kind, you let a group of people define who you are. I say, never let someone else define you. I say, never be fully defined. Be a work in progress, be an unfinished masterpiece. The moment you ascribe yourself to a group, is the moment I can't trust you, and you can't trust yourself. You are one of them. Whether you know it or not. And I'm just stuck here, in an icebox, eating my cake from hell. Fuck.
posted by Jessica @ 8:07 AM
1 Comments:
At 9:30 AM,
debutard said…
You know, you're a very talented writer. I would say put all your energy, anger and pain into a book or another poem, but that only seems to trivialize people's emotions. I'm also a psychology major and they say people study this subject simply b/c deep down they need to figure themselves out...works for me, I guess.
Numbing your emotions: subconsciously you're protecting yourself; if you open yourself up, if you show that emotion you'll be baring your soul and setting yourself up for more pain and deeper wounds. Personally, when I go through a difficult or traumatic experience I tend NOT to deal with it or acknowledge it. I feel as though if I let myself cry even one tear I'll fall into a pit of misery and never make it out. It's a survival mechanism in a way, albeit a very unhealthy one.
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