Swimming
I've spent the last year pushing people away, particularly those I most wanted to be close to. Not just physically but spiritually, in search of this freedom in solitude that I wanted for so long. And now that I've had it, for almost a complete year (I've never been good with exact dates)I've come to realize that perhaps solitude wasn't the answer. True, I'd rather be alone than with lots of people that don't get me, that try to change me into something I'm not- into something perhaps easier to understand, but I've come to realize over this past year that my mistake wasn't people in general, it was the type of people that i tried to be around.
I felt like I was talking to a wall with certain people because i was, in fact, talking to a wall. Certain people just don't get people like me. They try to change us, they try to make excuses for our behaviour. I forced myself to try to befriend those people, to show then that they're wrong for thinking i'm weird. But people like that, if they're used to one thing, and I am something completely different, there's no way to possibly change their minds.
And yet, although I'm kind of ready to get back on the proverbial horse, I can't help but wonder that maybe there really is something wrong with me. Where I can feel so much compassion for others, and yet still feel so alone. It's like, no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. There's always going to be a girl who's got more of that *thing* than me. Be it friendliness, or sexiness or wildness or pensiveness or whatever. Why do I, at the end of the night, always feel like I come up short?
Maybe my problem is in trying. It's something that I've been avoiding. I've just stopped trying. But in this stopping, have I given up everything? Is that what the game is all about? What if I don't want to be part of this game anymore? What if I just want honesty? I want a connection, and I'm not finding it, but everyone else seems to have it.
Nights truly are the worst. When there's nothing but space between you, your four walls and the ceiling. I've been in my head for a year. It's time I let myself out. The question is, who do I open up to?
I felt like I was talking to a wall with certain people because i was, in fact, talking to a wall. Certain people just don't get people like me. They try to change us, they try to make excuses for our behaviour. I forced myself to try to befriend those people, to show then that they're wrong for thinking i'm weird. But people like that, if they're used to one thing, and I am something completely different, there's no way to possibly change their minds.
And yet, although I'm kind of ready to get back on the proverbial horse, I can't help but wonder that maybe there really is something wrong with me. Where I can feel so much compassion for others, and yet still feel so alone. It's like, no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough. There's always going to be a girl who's got more of that *thing* than me. Be it friendliness, or sexiness or wildness or pensiveness or whatever. Why do I, at the end of the night, always feel like I come up short?
Maybe my problem is in trying. It's something that I've been avoiding. I've just stopped trying. But in this stopping, have I given up everything? Is that what the game is all about? What if I don't want to be part of this game anymore? What if I just want honesty? I want a connection, and I'm not finding it, but everyone else seems to have it.
Nights truly are the worst. When there's nothing but space between you, your four walls and the ceiling. I've been in my head for a year. It's time I let myself out. The question is, who do I open up to?
posted by Jessica @ 8:08 AM
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