with a side of salvaje
I woke up in a panic the other night, my body pumping with adrenaline. I had a realization, mid-dream. Whether or not I was ready to admit it, the passage of time is blatantly upon me. I lay in bed and stared out my window, the wind toying with unresting flakes of snow. Whether or not I was ready to admit it: this was my life and it's ending moment by moment. I've only got so long left in college. And then what? Sometimes I lose track of what's really important. I get caught up in the daily drama of social scenarios, boys being boys, girls being girls and everyone being so melodramatic and heartbroken and beautiful that I forget to really look at those people. Each a miracle, each so unique. Just like me. I forget that the most beautiful moments in life doesn't have to occur in exotic locations, far from home; that in fact the most beautiful things are the ordinary, like the sticky rings of coffe that my leaky mug makes on my desk in the morning, or the way my roommate grumbles an incoherent and beautiful "goodmorning" before falling asleep for another 3 hours.
Friday was incredible. Geo and I painted our faces and dressed like Cirque du Soleil acrobats. We wandered tripping through calf deep snow to watch a short piece about vampires, staring one of our mutual friends. It was great and it made me wonder how different my life would've been had I kept acting. Pete was great, it never ceases to amaze me how talented people are always right in front of us, and yet we never recognize them. Afterwards Geo and I stopped by opus and had a quick bite, and made our way over to the farmhouse, where some people were grouped together playing the guitar and singing. After a bit, i was faced with a slight misunderstanding and a bit of sadness, perhaps another sign from god or the universe or whatever that I'm doing all the looking in the wrong places.
I needed some alone time, so I wandered through the snow in my boots and velvet dress accross campus. I passed four groups of people speaking spanish with melodic accents from a place I couldn't put my finger on, two of whom called out to me in salutation. I began to cry. I don't know why. Perhaps because my pride was hurt, but I was really just overcome with the feeling of not belonging, of alienation. That's the best way to put it: I feel like an alien. Like I'm constantly harboring some kind of secret, and yet no one is fooled. I felt alone, no one could possibly understand me for who I am and appreciate me for my faults.
Teary-eyed and frozen, I climbed to the perfumed warmth and comfort of my friends in Eels, who cleaned me up both emotionally and physically. The kindess of other women is impeccable. Glancing around the room at them, the soft lighting and the dance music, I felt a slight tug inside: why have I avoided women throughout my life? Sure we fight and we judge, and we can be so cruel. But men are just the same. At least with women it's honest cruelty: with men, it's innocent cruelty. Like little puppies, they beg and beg for what they want and once they get it, they are contented, without even a flash of gratitude or compassion towards their masters. A trained response, that's all it is. I digress.
I was back on my feet in a few minutes, rejuvinated and happy to be alive. Still an invasive feeling of solitude pulled at me, but nevermind that. I was happy to be surrounded by such beautiful people. I walked back to the barn, and met up with Geo again. We sat front row center during our friend's performances. I walked over to my friends' in TKE who were having a party in the ajoining room. Everyone was dressed as pirates, and there I was as a clown. We all looked ridiculous, and I couldnt help but feel a sense of home with them. I always feel at home with them, even uncomfortably so. I met up with the girls from Eels and we walked to ELS basement. Our beloved basement brings back so many memories of freshman year. I hadn't been down there for a long time, and to see everyone dancing around to a live band dressed as clowns and circus performers made me so ecstatic. It was beautiful. Why hadn't I found these people before? No time for regrets, I suppose. I've only got a limited amount of time left.
I had the same dream last night. I was surrounded by people, in an apartment someplace warm, with silk tapestries and beads hanging from the ceiling and intricate rugs and pillows strewn across the floor. The walls were made of sand, hard packed sand like the kind children make sand-castles and sculptures out of. Every time I walked by the wall, bits of sand would stream down in cascading waterfalls. It was my apartment, I knew somehow. There was a sunflower growing from the top of a plain wooden table, which shone incredibly brightly that it lit the entire room in a beautiful dark tangerine. A man with dark skin and green eyes approached me. He didn't say anything and I poured him a glass of water. He looked at me intently, and I smiled. I said "I'll give you a couple months. You think about it, ok?" and he said witha voice soft and whispery, so startingly quiet and loving that it echoed in my ears after I awoke "You don't have a couple of months. All you have is now."
Cheers to that.
Friday was incredible. Geo and I painted our faces and dressed like Cirque du Soleil acrobats. We wandered tripping through calf deep snow to watch a short piece about vampires, staring one of our mutual friends. It was great and it made me wonder how different my life would've been had I kept acting. Pete was great, it never ceases to amaze me how talented people are always right in front of us, and yet we never recognize them. Afterwards Geo and I stopped by opus and had a quick bite, and made our way over to the farmhouse, where some people were grouped together playing the guitar and singing. After a bit, i was faced with a slight misunderstanding and a bit of sadness, perhaps another sign from god or the universe or whatever that I'm doing all the looking in the wrong places.
I needed some alone time, so I wandered through the snow in my boots and velvet dress accross campus. I passed four groups of people speaking spanish with melodic accents from a place I couldn't put my finger on, two of whom called out to me in salutation. I began to cry. I don't know why. Perhaps because my pride was hurt, but I was really just overcome with the feeling of not belonging, of alienation. That's the best way to put it: I feel like an alien. Like I'm constantly harboring some kind of secret, and yet no one is fooled. I felt alone, no one could possibly understand me for who I am and appreciate me for my faults.
Teary-eyed and frozen, I climbed to the perfumed warmth and comfort of my friends in Eels, who cleaned me up both emotionally and physically. The kindess of other women is impeccable. Glancing around the room at them, the soft lighting and the dance music, I felt a slight tug inside: why have I avoided women throughout my life? Sure we fight and we judge, and we can be so cruel. But men are just the same. At least with women it's honest cruelty: with men, it's innocent cruelty. Like little puppies, they beg and beg for what they want and once they get it, they are contented, without even a flash of gratitude or compassion towards their masters. A trained response, that's all it is. I digress.
I was back on my feet in a few minutes, rejuvinated and happy to be alive. Still an invasive feeling of solitude pulled at me, but nevermind that. I was happy to be surrounded by such beautiful people. I walked back to the barn, and met up with Geo again. We sat front row center during our friend's performances. I walked over to my friends' in TKE who were having a party in the ajoining room. Everyone was dressed as pirates, and there I was as a clown. We all looked ridiculous, and I couldnt help but feel a sense of home with them. I always feel at home with them, even uncomfortably so. I met up with the girls from Eels and we walked to ELS basement. Our beloved basement brings back so many memories of freshman year. I hadn't been down there for a long time, and to see everyone dancing around to a live band dressed as clowns and circus performers made me so ecstatic. It was beautiful. Why hadn't I found these people before? No time for regrets, I suppose. I've only got a limited amount of time left.
I had the same dream last night. I was surrounded by people, in an apartment someplace warm, with silk tapestries and beads hanging from the ceiling and intricate rugs and pillows strewn across the floor. The walls were made of sand, hard packed sand like the kind children make sand-castles and sculptures out of. Every time I walked by the wall, bits of sand would stream down in cascading waterfalls. It was my apartment, I knew somehow. There was a sunflower growing from the top of a plain wooden table, which shone incredibly brightly that it lit the entire room in a beautiful dark tangerine. A man with dark skin and green eyes approached me. He didn't say anything and I poured him a glass of water. He looked at me intently, and I smiled. I said "I'll give you a couple months. You think about it, ok?" and he said witha voice soft and whispery, so startingly quiet and loving that it echoed in my ears after I awoke "You don't have a couple of months. All you have is now."
Cheers to that.
posted by Jessica @ 8:52 AM
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