Breaking your heart
"Breaking your heart is the best way to know you still have one"
God that's so freaking emo. But it's the line that I woke up with this morning, echoing in my head. It's bizzarre when that happens. I've heard it happens to musicians a lot, waking up with a musical phrase stuck in their heads.
In my hispanic studies class on tuesday, we were talking about love. Sometimes I think that class is out to get me: we either talk about how much capitalism sucks (which may be true, but hey, we're at a private college in upstate new york, and half of us have trust funds so what's the point of even discussing it....) or what true love is.
Tuesday's discussion was about love. This is not a good week/month/year to talk about love for me. Not good at all. hmph
The protagonist of the film that we watched claimed that he was only ever in love once, with a girl who wanted him to come with her to the united states. They were living in cuba at the time, pre-revolution, but he inherited his father's business after they got engaged. She moved to New York. He did not. For a few years he claimed that he was just trying to save enough money for them. But eventually he stopped writing to her.
Shockingly, the majority of the kids in the class said they would've done the same, they would've stayed and made money and a living for themselves rather than be with someone they loved. The professor went around the room getting responses from everyone. Student after student, everyone just said "i agree, he did the right thing". And finally when she got to me, I was so confused that I just burst out "I could be wrong, but if I truly loved someone, I'd go anywhere to be with them. I'd leave my life behind for them. I'd rather be broke and in love than alone and rich." Which of course gained the applause of the girls in the class, and lots of laughs from the boys. After class, at least 4 guys approached me about my repsonse. I think it threatened them. I don't really know. "Que italiana!" they'd say, trying to make an excuse for me. But I'm american just like them.
Breaking my heart was the best way to know I still had one. It sucks that so much pain was the only way to come to my senses. The deterioration of my heart took place over a long period of time. Not a sudden crack and it's done, but rather a long, drawn out process, each experience slowly chipping away at it. Monday i think it finally fell apart, and I just stopped feeling. Like the point when your nerves are stimulated so much that your neurons just don't fire anymore. What's that called again? Damn neuroscience ruined emotions for me.
I can't believe it's been a year. All I've done is isolated myself even more.
To make matters worse, my research lab got doused with 50 billion gallons of water tuesday night, wrecking all my data. Hopefully they can salvage the hard drive. Otherwise, I'm majorly fucked. But there is some kind of small victory in all of this. I went to the senior concentrator's dinner last night, proceeded to drink with my thesis advisor and half-drunkenly attempt to converse with the department chair. The dinner wasn't a dinner at all, it was a cocktail hour. Damn cheap school. Grabbed late dinner at Mcewen and met two very nice people, obviously not hamilton students (because we're not very nice). Turns out they were in Of Montreal. I think I babbled a lot over dinner. I should stop doing that. I went to the Of Montreal show later that night. I'm a new fan.
And so half way through the show I realize that life is so much more important than thesis data analysis and that stupid lab I have due friday that i haven't even begun to write. Because in the end, no one is going to give a shit about whether or not I can pump out an APA style research paper in 24 hours with perfect references and charts and graphs. People are what's important. Interpersonal connection is where it's at. And although these past few weeks have been rough, I've been so blessed to meet so many absolutely incredible people thoughout my life. Sure there are so many assholes, but it's necessary to meet assholes because then the beautiful people are that much more illuminated.
I hope some of that illumination I encountered tonight rubbed off on me. I want to glow like i used to.
God that's so freaking emo. But it's the line that I woke up with this morning, echoing in my head. It's bizzarre when that happens. I've heard it happens to musicians a lot, waking up with a musical phrase stuck in their heads.
In my hispanic studies class on tuesday, we were talking about love. Sometimes I think that class is out to get me: we either talk about how much capitalism sucks (which may be true, but hey, we're at a private college in upstate new york, and half of us have trust funds so what's the point of even discussing it....) or what true love is.
Tuesday's discussion was about love. This is not a good week/month/year to talk about love for me. Not good at all. hmph
The protagonist of the film that we watched claimed that he was only ever in love once, with a girl who wanted him to come with her to the united states. They were living in cuba at the time, pre-revolution, but he inherited his father's business after they got engaged. She moved to New York. He did not. For a few years he claimed that he was just trying to save enough money for them. But eventually he stopped writing to her.
Shockingly, the majority of the kids in the class said they would've done the same, they would've stayed and made money and a living for themselves rather than be with someone they loved. The professor went around the room getting responses from everyone. Student after student, everyone just said "i agree, he did the right thing". And finally when she got to me, I was so confused that I just burst out "I could be wrong, but if I truly loved someone, I'd go anywhere to be with them. I'd leave my life behind for them. I'd rather be broke and in love than alone and rich." Which of course gained the applause of the girls in the class, and lots of laughs from the boys. After class, at least 4 guys approached me about my repsonse. I think it threatened them. I don't really know. "Que italiana!" they'd say, trying to make an excuse for me. But I'm american just like them.
Breaking my heart was the best way to know I still had one. It sucks that so much pain was the only way to come to my senses. The deterioration of my heart took place over a long period of time. Not a sudden crack and it's done, but rather a long, drawn out process, each experience slowly chipping away at it. Monday i think it finally fell apart, and I just stopped feeling. Like the point when your nerves are stimulated so much that your neurons just don't fire anymore. What's that called again? Damn neuroscience ruined emotions for me.
I can't believe it's been a year. All I've done is isolated myself even more.
To make matters worse, my research lab got doused with 50 billion gallons of water tuesday night, wrecking all my data. Hopefully they can salvage the hard drive. Otherwise, I'm majorly fucked. But there is some kind of small victory in all of this. I went to the senior concentrator's dinner last night, proceeded to drink with my thesis advisor and half-drunkenly attempt to converse with the department chair. The dinner wasn't a dinner at all, it was a cocktail hour. Damn cheap school. Grabbed late dinner at Mcewen and met two very nice people, obviously not hamilton students (because we're not very nice). Turns out they were in Of Montreal. I think I babbled a lot over dinner. I should stop doing that. I went to the Of Montreal show later that night. I'm a new fan.
And so half way through the show I realize that life is so much more important than thesis data analysis and that stupid lab I have due friday that i haven't even begun to write. Because in the end, no one is going to give a shit about whether or not I can pump out an APA style research paper in 24 hours with perfect references and charts and graphs. People are what's important. Interpersonal connection is where it's at. And although these past few weeks have been rough, I've been so blessed to meet so many absolutely incredible people thoughout my life. Sure there are so many assholes, but it's necessary to meet assholes because then the beautiful people are that much more illuminated.
I hope some of that illumination I encountered tonight rubbed off on me. I want to glow like i used to.
posted by Jessica @ 8:39 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:43 AM,
debutard said…
Wow, that completely sucks about your thesis. Don't know how I would've reacted to something like that! I agree that people/good-people-skills are more important than the useless drivel they make us learn in school (why am I paying $300/credit for a class that will never benefit me in my major or possible future career choice, and yet it's a requirement?). At the same time, though, as much as we crave those personal relationships it's those material things like grades, money, status that help us build up our personalities/self-esteem...don't know if that's a good or bad thing that we base our value on that, though. Or maybe it's just that people need something to work towards, otherwise life would seem so empty and pointless?
Either way, I love your comment on assholes and how they make good people seem even better. Never really thought about it that way, but it's good to keep in mind.
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